Date: 12/11/1999
From: Jim Geary
Newsgroups: rec.gambling.poker
Subject: Re: sklansky vs. caro vs. jalib vs. malmuth
I thought from the header that this post was going to be about some kind of battle-royale wrestling match, but was disappointed to see that it was just some call for civility. For those of you who share my disappointment I offer you the following fight of fancy:
Sklansky sees that most of the natural enemies are paired modulo himself and decides to take a button for a couple rounds and see how things play out.
Caro decides to open the session with an image play, and immediately goes after himself.
Malmuth, who must choose between going after Abdul or Caro would seemingly lean towards attacking the smaller Abdul, but realizes this is too self-weighting a strategy. The commutative property of addition tells him it doesn't matter what order he goes after his enemies, so instead he immediately sets upon the surprised Sklansky.
Pacifist Sklansky, who couldn't see the +EV in going into Vietnam, was wofully unprepared for this turn of events and is quickly thrown over the ropes.
Now Abdul and Malmuth find themselves engaged due to their already adjacent proximity. Sometime in the middle of their slugfest, they see in their peripheral vision Mike Caro resting in the far corner laughing to himself. Realizing that whoever should win their battle will face a rested Caro while they themselves would've just completed two battles, they immediately agree to detente, and set upon Caro. Caro tries taking out a two page add in Poker Digest, but it is too late.
As Abdul Jalib and Malmuth square off solo, the crowd goes crazy. This is the battle everyone paid to see. Malmuth opens up with his famed Successful Publishing House hold, but Abdul escapes with his patented Dissemination of Information on the Internet manoeuvre. Mason counters that with his I Can Join the Internet tooplustoo website attack, but Abdul finds a loophole and counterattacks by posting the word _penis_ to said site. Mason counters with his Emasculating Abdul's Presence defence, which causes Abdul to go into his I Can Get Lots of Smart Guys to Quit Posting gambit. Mason hadn't seen this one before, and thought it was pure bluff, until all of a sudden 150-pound vegan bowling guru Tom Weideman rides into the arena on his motorcycle and the crowd goes fuckin nuts. Weideman searches the archives and thanks to the newly sped-up 2+2 server, is able to unleash large quantities of math while simultaneously making his whole head turn red. An embattled Mason is quickly thrown over the ropes.
The fans are standing, yelling. The arena speakers are blasting Suicidal Tendecies' "I Was President of the High School Math Club." Tom and Abdul are loving the limelight.
But scant minutes later, an ever-EV-conscious Abdul suddenly turns on Tom, hits him over the head with a chair while inquiring What's the Derivative of X to the (n-k) You Idiot?
But that's another story....
The above is a totally fictional account and any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidence. I have good relations with all the protagonists of this story and trust that this should be enough to overcome any good-natured silliness.
Last Modified 2/9/00